Friday, October 23, 2015

The Kerfuffle Over a Cup of Coffee

This past Sunday a film student interviewed Mark and I for a documentary that he and an ex-Mormon classmate are making about people who've left the LDS Church. Since we've been out of the faith a couple of decades now, the return to the early steps in our exit process was an interesting emotional journey for us both. Suffice to say, we've come a long way since then.

One of the questions the young man asked was, "How did your Mormon friends react when you left the church?" As I wrote in my last post, most of my Mormon "friends" weren't actually friends but, rather, women I was assigned to work with.

I told him that my old LDS friends - people from high school and college with whom I'd cultivated genuine friendships - continued, for the most part, to be my friends. But the people I had been currently attending church with broke ties with me. Only not at first. At first, these assigned friends claimed they'd stick by my side "no matter what." Then, when reality seeped in and they finally acknowledged that I was never coming back to church, they unceremoniously dumped me.

This conjured a memory, one I hadn't thought of in years. Not long after I'd quit the church, I was in my local McDonald's buying coffee before work. One of my Mormon "friends" spied me from somewhere inside the restaurant, chased me out to my car, and then breathlessly confronted me with:
"I can accept that you no longer go to church. But I never thought you'd drink COFFEE!" 
For a few long seconds she leered at me in absolute revulsion, as if she'd just caught me exposing myself to a child or torturing a puppy with a lit cigar. Then she stormed off, never to see or speak to me again.

While amusing now, at the time this encounter was painful. It's tough to lose your friends, even tougher to acknowledge that they were never your friends in the first place. Since when does a friend dump you over a cup of coffee?

One of my favorite quotes comes from Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden:
"Grief is a most peculiar thing; we're so helpless in the face of it. It's like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it."
From where I sit today, the window is securely shut. I can laugh and roll my eyes over the absurd recollections from my Mormon past. But I will never forget the pain I felt back then.

When I meet people who've recently left Mormonism and are struggling to make peace with the believers in their lives, I can truly empathize. I can't reassure them that their LDS loved ones will support their new life choices, because, in all honesty, I know that's probably not going to happen.

But I can tell them about the bat-sh@#t crazy woman who flipped out when she saw me with a cup of coffee - and otherwise do my best to make them laugh. I can tell them that the cold wind will abate, the window will gradually close, and that, before long, they'll be laughing about a lot of things.

I also tell them that writing a funny blog really helps. Or producing a documentary. I hope those kids get an A+ on their assignment.

14 comments:

  1. It must be difficult to leave, but finding all that's out there is worth it.

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  2. "Then, when reality seeped in and they finally acknowledged that I was never coming back to church, they unceremoniously dumped me."

    Most fundamentalists will drop you like a hot potato if you stray too far from the herd. They act sweet until you refuse to conform to their ways -- and then that sweetness disappears REAL quick.

    "I can accept that you no longer go to church. But I never thought you'd drink COFFEE!"

    She should try a cup of that rich, caffeinated Devil's Nectar. It amazes me that a Mormon would devote more of her wrath to coffee than to oppression, injustice, or poverty. If she abandoned you over a cup of java, she wasn't a real friend in the first place.

    I hope your film student friend gets a good grade on the documentary. You and Mark are far better without the LDS in your lives.

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  3. Thanks Marion. It is sad, but laughter is medicine indeed.

    Jono, you know it! I'm grateful for every day.

    Ahab, Mormons make a huge deal about appearances: being SEEN with coffee or alcohol, being SEEN at an R-rated movie. And yes, they drop you - can't have your bad influence on their delicate, holier-than-thou sensibilities.

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  4. Great post and that quote really resonates. I realized just this week that there are many people going through that same transition while feeling very abandoned.

    I had lunch this a few days ago with a Mormon friend from my former Mormon life. She is now going through this process and, of course, reached out to the apostate she once feared. : ) She lives in Utah County and is losing much of her entire social and professional network simply because she does not believe. And as a result she is feeling all of those things that go along with leaving a cult -- abandonment, judgment, disapproval, liberation, and joy. It is so hard but so worth it.

    That said, my heart aches for the many people going through this who think they're alone. I wish I could somehow reach out to all of them.

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    1. Wow. Your friend is very lucky to have you as a sounding board. Leaving the church is an emotionally charged seesaw of happiness and pain.

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  5. I had a coffee moment as well. My ex-husband tried to tell me that I shouldn't have a coffee maker because it was a bad influence on the children.

    Hah, all I could think of was yeah try to take that in front of the judge. He has lightened up considerably since those days. AND just in case anyone is wondering our children grew up to be upstanding, amazing adults.

    Two out of three drink coffee... hmm where did I go wrong?!

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    1. Too funny. I have a couple of friends whose former spouses HAVE taken the "drinking coffee in front of the kids" argument in front of a judge. It didn't carry much weight.

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  6. Wow... and they wonder why many people think they are so peculiar.

    Your Mormon "friend" chased you and chewed you out over coffee. My husband's then 9 year old brainwashed Mormon daughter slapped him across the face for having beer in his fridge. And I think both of these people think they are perfectly justified in that behavior, too. It's absolutely crazy.

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    1. Slapped his face? Wow, indeed. Of course I can give her a little bit of a pass for only being 9 - but still.

      Back when I was still going to church a woman I was working with in Primary used to go on and on about her "non-member" MIL who was a continual bad influence. Once she even brought instant coffee (gasp) into her son and DIL's house when she had committed to babysitting all day. According to this Mormon woman, her MIL not only DRANK COFFEE in her home - she also tried to give some to their child! Given the child was only 10 months old, I seriously doubted her story, even back then.

      But I think a lot of people believed her. 'Cause you know non-members!

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  7. hahaha. When i was about 50/50 with the church (believing/not) I went to pick up my husband from work. In his hand was a snickers mocha. SINNER! I remember how mad I was at him for having it, and also being jealous because I felt like I couldn't have one. Very mixed feelings going on. But now! Sheesh. There are bigger problems in this world than a coffee.

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    1. Funny story, Heather. Mormons are like walking nerves - always worried about breaking one of the bazillion rules they have to obey.

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  8. My dad broke ties with the church almost immediately after graduating from bYU. I don't know if it was because of the short-standing status of the friendships at the time he broke away or the calibre of humanity he chose to call friends when he was LDS, but basically no one remained friends with him. He has many friends from medical school and residency, but no friends from his undergrad days. He went to a Catholic high school because his entire education had been in the Catholic system and he refused to change when his parents converted. His very best friend is from his Catholic middle school and high school days.

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    1. Yeah, it's unnerving how shallow some Mormon friendships are. They keep moving forward - like sharks - from calling to calling. ;)

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